I don't know what to say.

I don't WANT to loose Angie as a friend. I can't. I mean, she means allot to me. But I'm so weary and tired of fighting to live. I mean, everyday at lunch my table mocks me, ignores me, and today actually physically hurt me. I can barely make it through that everyday.

And now I need to fight this?

Shawna and I can't do this. I can't compete with her. I have a dog, Shawna has a Zebra. I have a sick dog. Shawna gets a dead one. If its pity she wants, she gets it. Attention, she gets it. SHe will do anythin to be queen to come out on top.

And people liek angie, the good hearted people who can't say, "GO THE HECK AWAY" get stuck withher.

this is sucha repeat of 8th grade.

my worst year ever.

we all wanted shawna GONE. otu of our lives forever. we couldnt function. but these people were NICE and i couldnt understand it, i always said, "why cant u just tell her to shove off?" but i do get it now. you cant be mean to her, because weather or not she a jerk, shes still a human. and if you cut her, she will bleed.

and i do understnad that.

but i can't fight it anymore. everyday shawna pushes me away. tells angie im not good enoguh. im not smart enough. not cool enough. "i'm dirt" is what she says about me....and what am i to say to that? angie she lies.

i cant tell angie that every ten seconds.

its not angies fault
but i cant loose angie.

but im going to
i cnat fight it anymore.

if shawna really wants this...
she can do it her own way.
but she wont live in grace.

So I think SoSo isn't even talking to me now..
Ok, what did I expect?
I know what I said might have been harsh....and unChristlike, and for taht I am sorry.
But I was just venting.

I think I might have been really right. And a part of me hoped I was wrong.

Hate that...being right? I don't wanna be right.

*sigh*


there's nothign to do now but pray..


father hear me out?

I took a survey to see what's up in our world. Very Differnt People. Somewhat different Answers...

Do you believe in God?

JONI:: not sure.

DANA:: yes
KRISS::No


Pro-life, or Pro-Choice?


JONI:: pro-choice.

DANA:: prolife
KRISS::Pro-choice



Underage drinking, yes or no?

JONI:: Pending...
DANA::nooo
KRISS::No

Sex before marriage, yes or no?

JONI:: sex before marriage.
DANA:: nooo
KRISS:: Yes

Drugs, yes or no?

JONI::depends on the drug. marijuana for medical use only.
DANA:: nooo
KRISS:: No

Do you believe your friends influence you?


JONI:: my friends influence me
DANA:: yes
KRISS::No



Do you belive in Good Company vs Bad Company?

JONI:: and the good vs bad?
both. you should have a mix. just dont do what the bad compnay ddoes.
DANA:: suree??
KRISS:: No


Who would you sacrafice your time for?

JONI:: i'd sacrifice my time for a friend.
DANA:: familyy
KRISS:: My friends


Do you know yourself?


JONI:: i know myself.
DANA:: yes i believe so
KRISS::Yes


Are you happy with yourself?

JONI:: i'm pretty happy with myself.
DANA:: most of the time yes
KRISS:: Yes

If yes to Number one - would God be happy with your life?


JONI:: god? i dont know. it depends whether i think he exists, right?
DANA:: i hope so, but i know there are a few things he would disagree with
KRISS:: no answer


Do you believe in God?

Pro-life, or Pro-Choice?

Underage drinking, yes or no?

Sex before marriage, yes or no?

Drugs, yes or no?

Do you believe your friends influence you?

Do you belive in Good Company vs Bad Company?

Who would you sacrafice your time for?

Do you know yourself?

Are you happy with yourself?

If yes to Number one - would God be happy with your life?



Answer if you'd like to!!! Insert a private name if you dont want to be revealed.

SAD STORY TIME!!!!!! OR SST!!! ( 100% true!)

There was once a man who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge to commit suicide. The next day when his psyciatrist went to his apartment, he found a note on the counter. It read, "To Whom it may concern, I am going to the bridge today. On the way there if anyone smiles at me I am not going to jump. I will turn around & come right back here. But if no one smiles at me I will jump." Well this man jumped.. Out of the hundreds of people that he passed that morning no one smiled at him..

"This may be the year that I disappear..."

Here's the way it comes out...

basically what she's telling me:

I'm not a good friend.
I'm not there for her.
I'm useless.
I wear her out.
She's tired of helping me.
She's tired of being there.
And I need more friends.

My opinion...
I tried, I'm not perfect, but I'm sorry you wasted your time on me. I know you have your troubles too, but I tried to be there. All I needed was to know that someone cared about me. I'm not as strong as you. I didn't need you to take on all my problems, I just needed to hear someone say, "It'll be alright, what's on your mind?" or "You're important, I like you the way you are." "I love you, and you really make me happy." maybe a "You mean something to me, and you're not worthless." Because I would do that for her. But I guess all those e-mails and words I said were pointless and didn't really help you. I was under the illusion they did.

I'm trying really hard to remember "WWJD" but it's so hard. Because there's nothign for me to forgive - she's right. If I'm not helpin her, thats her opinon and I hae to take her word for it. But her words hurt me and cut me deep. And the truth is...I can't really look at her anymore. When I think about htis mess.

I feel like maybe time is the only thing taht will help? But I don't know how it could. It'd take a miracle. She said what she said. Now I have to be the one to change. But you know? I don't want to change for her. I want to change for the right reasons. If she doesn't like me for me....then I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry our friendships over. But you said what you said.

You can wait for me to be the one to come to you, but you made it clear you don't want that. So you can wait, but it might be forever. I don't know why you would...after all, i'm a waste of time, and you seem to think you can't help me.
You said you felt like oyu weren't helping me, wll you were. Just knowing you cared helped me. You got me through the nights so many times. Maybe I did fall back again...but I had to come up to fall...and you got me up.


"I feel like there's a sticker on my back that says kick me, and you might as well - everyone else has."


What else is up???

Uhm...well Katie, she is so confusing...I want so badly to say we're friends. But I can't. Just because of the things she says to me. She tells me, "I like you because you listen to me and help me." but then when I need help, she says, "I don't know what to tlel you."

All this is teachin me that I have to rely on one thing, and that's faith alone. The people in this world don't care about me, and it hurts a whole lot...but i have to learn it sometime.

Still, God...it's kinda lonely. All I wanted was a best friend...and I've never had one. I get under this illusion that I have one, but it lasts for only a certain amount of time. And it's like once I say, "you're my best friend" it all...falls....down....


"And the greatest lie you've ever been told, is that you're the only one to walk down this lonely road"


Please Lord, Help...
H.M.
J.C.
D.K.
D.C.
The Cortez Family.
S.B.
P.L.
K.C.
S.C.

Please help them, since I can't.

my school ; terrible.
almost all of the guys ; nasty.
the girls ; even worse.
my home ; don't get me started.
the outside world ; clueless.
my thoughts about all of this ; it's not even worth it anymore...

be careful who you trust,
your "best friend" might take away
the only thing keeping you alive </3 oh...felice...

I really just want to be ok.

but i'm all alone now.

I have no clique.

I thought I'd be FREE without megan in my life.

Now I'm alone.

I have no where to go. No one to care for. No one who cares for me.

No one even asked me to get togehter this weekend....

ok, so i cant do anythng. but no one even knew that.

and its just adding on.

today...i wished......today on the way home from school i cried...and told my mom i was tired...i just wanted...to die.

isn't that horrible? i feel horrible for saying that. I want a reason to get up and go on. I have the strentgh to, but not hte reason.

You'd get over me.

I changed my mind. 100%. I changed it. WHo cares what I say here? Its my rant. I'm allowed to vent.

My moms best friend just died. I knew her well too. But still. SHE'S DEAD. gone. All the hope that she'd just get better is gone. she took it with her. I never thought it was the end. I thought she'd get better.

My house in Marco is in Shambles.

My house is Dewey is in ruins.

My family has basically gone broke.

I don't belong anywhere anymore. I have no group. No one to rely on. No one who relies on me. thats gone. as if i ever had it.

my dog might have to be put donw.

I'm failing everything. But I hate tutoring homeroom.

I can't feel anyhting..

That last one is the hardest. it hurts the most. Because its true. I'm not...feeling anything...Its like I'm numb. When people assure me they care, it does nothign for me. But when they tell me tehy can't help me.... It cuts like a knife. AN dI'M GOING INSNANE with this hurt. this pain. this lonliness.

And not a soul knows whats really going on.

I'm playing it cool, because, why shoudl they get involved? No one needs drama. No noe can help anyways.

Mayb its good that I don't make an impact. Because someday I'm going to be gone, and this way, no one will have to miss me.

I see people who relyo n eachoter. No one relies on me. Guess I'm not reliable.

Acording to Mr. D. pretty people are smart.

Thanks - now I understnad why I'm failing.


and the comments, and the rude sayings. They get me too.

I can't feel the love anymore. So How can I give it? I don't knwo WHAT i'm doing anymore....and thsi feeling ISN'T ending. it's gone on for over a week or two...is it ever going to end?

I wanna fun away. I wanna ditch my life.

=> don`t act like you care <=
its your fault im in so much pain


Tired of....t.r.y.i.n.g.
Sick of....c.r.y.i.n.g.
Ya I'm....s.m.i.l.i.n.g.
But inside I'm...d.y.i.n.g.

whats the point of smiling, if theres no one to smile for?
aND Anyways.... You're so foolish to be fooled by my fake smile.

I can't tell you whats wrong with me. Because....its not like anyone wuold care.

Its just, the pressures i'm going through, and then..the fact that no one cares.Words cannot describe what its like...to go through this. Alone. I'm nobodys anything. Nobodys friend.


And no one can help me

you see her walking in the hallways,
smiling and& laugihng ; but you`d
never guess she went home every-
night and& cried herself to sleep.

I'm not the reason you wake up, I'm not the reason you go to school, I'm not the reason you go on, I'm not the reason you pray. If anything, I'm a waste of food, water, time, space, and energy....


My heart is breaking down.

this isn't too anyone I just need to rant. Because maybe if I see my words, they'll be clearer...

Yes, I could have treated you better...
But you couldn't have treated me worse.


Cuz sometimes, the people we love - forget to love us back.




L00K A LiTTLE CL0SER [ BEHiND MY SMiLE ] Y0U'LL SEE A FR0WN
L00K A LiTTLE CL0SER [ 0N MY CHEEKS ] Y0U'LL SEE TRACKS 0F TEARS


....i'm lost. and no one can save me - and i can't save them. they've got there problems, and i let them drown. while they are too far under to save me...

and thats not how its supposed to work.

You all thought I was waving....


But really, I was drowning.



Thats not right now, but tahts how I feel sometimes. I've got such great friends, but I don't always realize it. and I'm going to be alright, and hopefully...I'll never have to Drown again.

So, my last LONG entry. was as follows. LONG. so anyways.

Things have improved. whesh. how much? SO MUCH. I learned megan can be dealt with if Ignored.

My family stuff? Well, I learned i just have to be careful. I have to expect it. It hurts, but its the way it is. and....It can't possibly ALWAYS be like that, rihgT...so...yeah..

Everything else is going to settle soon. I've got one tennis match left then..OMG GUESS WHAT?

NOvember is the BEST. BIG N RICH CONCERT!! CASTING CROWNS CONCERT! I'm going to explode!
I have halloween plans, which is soo nice. and I dont have any new years eve yet. but oh well, lol. maybe someone liek.....SONJA
SONJA
SONJA! would liek to do something nice?

Uhm...Christmas dance date...HAVE NONE!I dont know if i want one though...but...w'll see....


Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night